Sister Wives

Come here to learn a bit more about the Sister Wives. We currently have 11 and I'm still working on telling all their stories.

I'll try to keep them updated with their calf information, too.

Those that have come and gone were at one point a part of our family, so their story will remain here. They are marked with an asterisk.

We have four feed troughs for Fritz and the girls. As Keith pours the feed at the first one, Fritz is always there – first in line. He slowly lumbers his hefty self to the edge, lowers his head, and begins to devour range cube after range cube. He uses his bulk to move down the trough, keeping a steady stream of snacks filing his belly. The Sister Wives vie for a spot near him – Stray Horn usually wins – while they also respect his movements and give him the space to keep eating. He never leaves that first trough until the food is gone and his belly satisfied. Then he walks back to a hay bale, fresh grass, or a large Oak tree, perfect for a shady nap. Fritz rules the first trough.

But the Sister Wives have no order, no set trough of their own. No, they are the women at a cake walk, moving to music only they hear, going from trough to trough and pushing their way through for the single prized Italian Cream Cake, made homemade and fresh just for this event. They push, they shove, they move among the innocent calves, wholly unaware that a fifty-cent ticket can transform their mommas into aggressive beasts.

And when the music stops, they simply walk away to socialize at the punch bowl, as if it never happened.

#ranchlife #princessinthecountry #moocows (Pictured: Muley and Pet, sharing a momentary truce while they wait for the next song to start.)

Stray Horn*

She needs a moment in the spotlight. She is .... unique. Her horns are not symmetrical at all. Her markings give her a distinctive scowl-like appearance. Her bobby-socks fold and roll around her hooves, some days looking like a quickly-dressed cheerleader, other days they are simply cankles. The round lumps on her backside, from year after year of providing Fritz with strong offspring, give new meaning to the phrase “You could brand that!” (Plus, she’s already branded.) Minnie of #BeefyButts fame was her calf. The most awesome thing about her, however, has nothing to do with her features. She is simply Fritz’s best friend, best girl, and full time companion. She typically walks near him and always feeds by his side. When he makes his rounds, she babysits as needed. She is that special.

This girl is the stereotypical matriarch, always organizing the young ‘uns in front of the camera but trying to shuffle out of the way so she herself can remain in the shadows. Yet Stray Horn shuffles slowly, making her a favorite shutterbug feature.

Calves:

  • Minnie (2018 calves) is the last one she had since we moved here.

*Stray Horn said her goodbyes in November 2020. No one can replace her and she will remain Fritz's #1 girl.

Eight*

Sometimes the perfect name is just staring right at you, you know? Eight is the perfect example of that with her stand-out-in-a-crowd facial markings.

The facts: She is Fritz’s #2, second only to Stray Horn. She is also Bossy’s momma (aka Mouthy aka Karen...). She hasn’t had a calf in a few years (Indy here is not hers), but no matter. She’s family, and family looks out for each other.

Which brings me to what makes her special. Besides the whole friends-with-no-benefits arrangement with Fritz, she is such a good auntie (and grandma, when Bossy has her calves. #GottaKeepUp), and she very regularly steps in to watch the whole daycare gang under a large oak tree. If she can stay shaded, she’ll keep the calves in line! Which explains this picture. She was taking the littles - in this case Indy - back and forth to the trough for a drink. She really is that good with them.

She’s also superb at avoiding the camera. I have *zero* good pictures of her. She tends to swing her head at just the right moment so all I get is a Hereford blur! I’m pretty sure this shot earned me a serious narrow-eyed glare. Oh well!

Calves:

  • Like Stray Horn, her role is less "Producer" and more "Babysitter and Companion." The last calf she had since we moved here was Tyra Bush (2018 calves).

Bossy, aka Mouthy

She’s not a First or even Second Wife - scandal alert! She’s Eight’s daughter, so yes, Fritz is apparently okay with the age difference... But she is the absolute loudest and first one to complain when dinner’s late. I started calling her 'Mouthy' when we first moved here, only to find that she's already been named 'Bossy.' No matter - both names fit and neither stops her from speaker her mind!

She’s also a very good momma and a willing babysitter for the daycare crowd. Of 2020 calves, she’s Andie’s mom, and when we separated her from Andie, she became an annoying Karen for the next few days. But it passed and she was back to complaining about the food service in no time!

Calves: This girl is a producer! There's a baby each year, and we're hoping for two in 2020.

Hollywood

I’m not certain how to introduce this beauty, although her name speaks volumes. She is another of the Sister Wives, not the number 1 or 2, but special in her own right. Over the years, she’s also earned the name Lumpy for a brief case of lump jaw. She is easily distinguishable by her caramel-brown circles around both eyes, a feature which she usually passes on to her calves, but only over one eye for the littles. Sometimes she looks a little more cinnamon, others tawny. She’s gentle; curious about those that bring treats and hay, yet she retains just enough sense to keep out of reach of a head scratch. The thick hair atop her head remains perfectly in position, even in the wind and rain, bringing to mind Connie Stevens in the open scene of Grease 2. She’s overcome the loss of a calf last year (Maybel) to bring us Berry Peach (aka Peachy) this year. Seeing her each evening warms my heart.

Note that many pictures of Hollywood are right. next. to. the feed room. This girl has taken morning snacks to a whole new level, even being duping Maybelline into being the lookout one morning. As soon as Maybelline sounded the "She's here!" bellow, all 1500+ pounds of Hollywood (a girl never reveals her true weight) came running, causing small earthquake tremors, as she smirked outside the door looking for a goodie. She's lucky she's so gorgeous.

Calves:

Pet

Pet is the most like a true pet when it comes to knowing her humans and looking for love. When she first entered the world, it was a rough start and required some human intervention (shout out to our oldest, Kody, who was living here at the time). She then needed some bottle feeding to keep her growing and well.. she became Pet! Her easy going temperament seems to be passed down to all her calves, too, as they're the ones that just roll with the punches.

Calves:

Maybelline

This is what an attentive momma looks like. Maybelline is unassuming, slowly walks between patches of grass (when there is any) while pausing to check on her calf, which is usually nearby. This year, it’s MaryKay. Maybelline is not one to allow her calf to roam unattended- that’s Bling’s MO. She follows the larger crowd, rarely stepping out on her own. When she does, we know it’s time to look for a new baby. I don’t know where she is in Fritz’s line of preferred weekend dates; I only know they have their clandestine rendezvous enough for a new calf each year. She’s not one to seek his attention, either. Rarely does she push and shove at the feed trough, yet she’s quite capable of standing her ground when she’s hungry! Her distinguishing feature is the large brown patch that drips down the left side of her face, like bronzer gone wrong in the Texas heat. Except on her, it’s quite becoming.

Calves:

Frosty

Meet Frosty, the beautifully patterned momma that will forever be known as “Maddie’s Mom” for her first calf of 2018. Of all the mommas, she has the most white on her underbelly, looking like she just took a dip in a snow covered patch of grass.

Frosty is another chill lady, although she’s quick to give her fellow Sister Wives a belly-nudge if they encroach on her spot at the trough. #ItsAllAboutTheFood She’s one of the few that consistently plops out bull calves - which is apparently pretty rare on Crossbar Ranch. We’ve got heifers for days!!!! (Bling, Maybelline and Opie also earn this distinction.)

Frosty with her 11-2018 calf, Butterball

She’s also a very fertile girl... At least since I started keeping track, she’s had a new calf right at every 11 months (Another #NerdAlert statistic: Only Horned Hollywood and Opie have calves more frequently. #ILoveSpreadsheets.)

Calves:

Bling

Bling and Moonshine. Family photos with Bling mean a lot of ignoring the camera followed by sticking her tongue out. She's a one-minded kind of gal - it's all about the food! And that tends to be a higher priority than tending to her calves. Fortunately, the other Sister Wives help out, and her little ones grow up to be big boys and girls. Like Moonshine standing in her shadow.

Curious as to her name? Bling looks (not acts, just looks) similar to Pet with the white face and minimal markings. However, she's got a shiny silver tag on her right ear, accessorizing those 3 white slippers nicely. This gal likes a little sparkle and 'Bling' fits her well. Sadly, she'd also be the first momma to yell "Squirrel!" and run into the woods.

Calves:

Opie

Opie is one of the more noticeable Sister Wives. Keith noticed her one night, with that left-in-the-corner-too-long snarl, a little like that red-haired rascal Farkus in A Christmas Story. And the more we get to know her, the more that really is her. She cracks us up with her constant grouchy face! She’s pushy as can be at dinner time, and when it’s pretty quiet, you can almost hear her practice a steady string of 4-letter words.

Keith and her have such a loving relationship. She b*tches, he teases, she trots after him for a snack. It’s rather endearing.

Don’t let her cafeteria-cutie looks deceive you; she’s a very attentive momma and rarely relies on the sister wives to babysit (unlike momma Bling.)

Calves: Opie is #2 in the production category.

Muley

The cow that can't turn down a selfie. Or a head scratch. Or a snack.

Muley has a light brown beef master coat, and a hungry hungry hippo appetite. She noticed Pet getting some love and goodies early on, and decided to give this 'let them pet you and they'll feed you' tactic a try. Turns out, it worked and she was hooked. Now she's comfortable enough to try to pull feed bags out of the Gator or Kubota, unless you hand-feed her first. Then she'll shower you with her thanks... and slobber.

Calves:

Horned Hollywood

No surprise here on the name. This momma has the dark, distinguishing circles around her eyes just like Hollywood. But with horns. Hence Horned Hollywood. :-)

I have a bit of a love-hate relationship with her. I truly fell in love with her when she gave birth to Just Bob shortly after my dad died in 2019, and Just Bob turned out to be just the sweetest little heifer. But then came 2020, and she all but abandoned little Caliente, causing some very stressful weeks for us.

She is working on redeeming herself, though. With the passing of our matriarch Stray Horn, Horned Hollywood is settling in to her spot besides Eight, babysitting more and making sure Fritz is content with all the wives.

Calves: Horned Hollywood is nothing if not the most predictable, reliable, prolific producer.

Mrs. Howell

Mrs. Howell is not the easiest momma to recognize out in the pasture. In fact, Mrs. Howell, Checkers and Jane Moo are so close to being identical from a distance, I look to see who's nursing to know the momma-calf combo. Which is why these three didn't even have proper names until recently - they were simply "the horned momma" or, in Mrs. Howell's case, "Harvey's mom."

But when she had MaryAnne by the pond, her slightly extra markings behind her ears suddenly became more noticeable to us, making her stand out - slightly - from the crowd. That and she really enjoyed her bonding time with MaryAnne as they remained by the pond for nearly a week.

In keeping with Gilligan's Island, she was officially christened Mrs. Howell. Although Fritz's name is not Fritz Howell, so how a Sister Wive could be a Mrs. ... oh, never mind.

Calves:

Checkers with Genie

Checkers*

She's a big girl proudly sporting a hay belly or baby belly 24/7, and she does a nice slow stroll through the fields. Combine that with checkered front hooves (one white, one dark), and we've got a Chubby Checkers momma amongst us. Well, the Checkers part stuck. I don't insult my girls by calling any of them chubby!

Calves:

Jane Moo with Dominga

Jane Moo*

Please don't tell Jane, but the stress of finding just the right name for the Carbon Copy sisters (Mrs. Howell, Checkers, Jane Moo) was wearing on me, and no matter how hard I looked for that one feature on Jane that made her stand out, all I kept seeing was... Jane. Plain Jane, Jane Doe, sigh. She's a good momma. She keeps to herself and doesn't cause any trouble. In over three years, she hasn't done anything to make a name for herself.

The least I could do was upgrade Doe to Moo because, well, she's not a deer.

Jane Moo. She hasn't complained about it, either.

Calves:

Finally with little Popcorn

Finally*

Finally earned her name before my time. Apparently, she was a little slow in producing her first calf. She's made up for it since, but around here, one action sticks with you for life. And Finally stuck with her!

Calves:

Mrs. Gump

This is our Sally Fields of mommas right here. She didn't have a calf with her in 2017 when we arrived, so I didn't have the opportunity to observe her mothering instincts until 2018, when Forrest arrived. He kicked, ran and rounded hay bales while she quietly watched, practically with a handkerchief tucked away in a hoof, then wiped his little sweaty head when he wore himself out. As quiet as she is, seemingly blending into the background, her calves are quite the polar opposite. From running Forrest to high kicking Roxy, we're anxious to see what sports activity the next one tries!

Calves: